How To Be A Twitter Intellectual

STEP ONE:  Begin by taking yourself far too seriously. Become your screen-name. I recommend you spend a week training your subconscious to forget your government name and respond only to  ‘@juicy_feminist’ or ‘@africanist_muffin’ or ‘@atheist_tapdancer’, or whatever clever name you gave yourself.

This is the only way that you can truly immerse yourself in your own self-importance.

STEP TWO: Read a few books on your topic of ‘expertise’. The number of books can range from anything between 0.5* and 3.

It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you constantly mention these books in ‘intellectual’ debates when proving to your opponent how very correct you are. (Don’t forget that you are always correct. And don’t shy away from reminding your followers of that.)

If you have a Master’s degree in your topic of expertise, don’t forget to mention it at least twice a morning. If you are in the process of getting your masters make sure to remind your followers of your #postgradproblems every three tweets and never, ever miss the opportunity to tweet them when ‘pulling an all-nighter on your thesis.’ The sun would explode if your followers missed out on that information.

The best and easiest way to master this step is to actually tweet the content of the books you’ve read as if they are your own opinion.

(Quotation marks are for losers. And citations are for nerds.)

STEP THREE: In the event that you get into a twitter debate do not hesitate to shame your opponents for disagreeing with you. I know it may seem counter-intuitive to use everything but logic to win an argument but this is the only way that you can gain the moderately coveted title of self-proclaimed Twitter Intellectual.

This is the time for you to liberate yourself from every single rule your pre-school teacher taught you about arguments. It is ok to bite people that you don’t like online. It is very ok to call people ‘stupid’ for not agreeing with you. And it is definitely very acceptable to cuss people out for even having the baby-thought to question your self-proclaimed intellect.

These are all necessary tools for Twitter warfare. And they always work.

If your plan is to use reason and logic to explain your view point to people with grace and respect, then Intellectual Twitter is not for you. But if you love nothing more than to “*smirk*, *side-eye*, *snort*, *sigh* “chiillld”, “hol’ up!”, ‘aww, hell naw’…etc” in other people’s mentions in the place of answering perfectly reasonable questions about your ‘theories’, then you are in the right place.

The best way to master this step is to throw in as many “ebonics as possible. Actually, any language that you normally view as sounding crass and uneducated in real life, will do. This makes your arrogance even harder to ignore. And we all know people love learning from arrogant teachers!

Make sure that you don’t miss any occasion to type in CAPITAL LETTERS to show your opponent that you don’t care about using your ‘inside voice’ when delivering your ‘truths.’

STEP FOUR: Make some Twitter friends. This may very well be the most important step. You may need to write this down. It is imperative that you form a tight-knit group of ‘friends’ on Intellectual Twitter. The secret to winning any twitter debate is to have your friends suddenly join in and help you bombard your vict…erm…follower with all the tools of debate you learned in the previous step.

Your friends will obviously have to have the same beliefs you do, but most times that’s not totally necessary. Let’s face it, it’s not as though they’ll be using any of their knowledge to aid your side of the debate. Haha!

Using logic and research results for intellectual debate is for essays, not Twitter! And plus, the knowledge that you have a Masters degree guarantees that your followers know that you are, in fact, able to use reason and statistics in your arguments but that you choose not to. And isn’t that the whole point of the glorious institution we call academia?

Now that you are a full-blown Twitter Intellectual, start a blog that you infrequently update with your witty posts about everything you love and know that you can hold your head up high in these ‘Twitter streets’.

–@siyandawrites, a recovering Twitter Intellectual

(Add more tips in the comment-section, there are people starving for this information.)

*Please note: sometimes reading a book review of a book is just as good as having read it, this is the unwritten law of the Twitter Intellectual – you don’t have to have read a book to have an opinion on it

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8 thoughts on “How To Be A Twitter Intellectual

  1. Lol this is tops. Thank u. U have no clue how much of a help this article has been. I’ve been missioning twitter intellectual status for sometime now and not quite getting there. I feel like I have arrived

  2. Thank you so much for these tips! I was wondering why I kept losing Twitter ‘debates’ even though I was using relevant and credible authorities, relevant stats and a variety of other well-researched sources. Clearly I was doing it wrong! I also had this terrible habit of immediately ending these twitter debates/engagements when someone resorted to personal attacks and insults. Maybe I should’ve stood strong and hurled back some cusses of my own. I guess I’m still a very long way from attaining ‘Twiitter intellectual’ status. *sigh*

  3. Hahaha! What a Sunday morning read. I just bumped into it accident. For the love of reading. I’m scared to endorse your opinion though. Good, funny read. I’ll now frequent here.

    Keep at it.

  4. hahaha sarcasm has never sounded so accurate. Behold, I have joined the ‘Twitter Intellects’ or are the ‘Twitter elites’? :’D

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